This is a public service post.

I had my second colonoscopy and for those who haven’t yet had one, there are some things you should know.

The worst part of a colonoscopy isn’t the procedure itself, it’s the preparation for it.  You gotta clean house.  Purge the system.  Clear the tunnel.  That means you’ve got to drink a foul concoction that does for your innards what Liquid Plumber does for your kitchen pipes.  Keep a book in the bathroom – and it doesn’t have to be one with short chapters.

Someone has to go with you to have the procedure because you’re not gonna be able to drive afterwards.  Yep, the job of the designated driver is to take you and wait while Dr. Roto Rooter roots, then drives you home (or to IHOP because you’re gonna be HUNGRY!).

The facility ( “The Pump House”) where I had mine had all the patients awaiting for and recovering from the procedure in a large room with beds separated by curtains.  I stripped down and put on a hospital gown.

Eventually, I was wheeled into a dark room in which three delightful, cheery people (doctor, nurse and anesthesiologist) were all too happily waiting to shove an instrument up by beehind.

They asked me how I was doing and wanted to know if I had any questions.  Here’s a hint – they’ve heard all the jokes.

“Doc, remember I retain all mineral rights.”

“At least buy me dinner.”

“Any lost jewelry is mine.”

“Stop if you hit teeth.”

Now, some folks have told me that they stayed awake for the procedure and watched it on a TV monitor.  First, how addicted to television must you be to watch THAT?  The writing is stale, there is no plot and, yeah, it’s commercial free but what’s the entertainment value?  It’s a program almost as bad as Rosie O’Donnell’s Variety Show – or anything on MSNBC.

Second, I wanted to be knocked slap out because I didn’t want there to be any chance that I might enjoy it.

So…light’s out.

I wake up back in the room with the curtains and my wife sitting beside the gurney.  One of the first things the nurse tells me is one of the great moments in a man’s life.

“Feel free to pass gas.  It’s natural and you need to do it to release air in your colon.”

I almost cried.  A PRESCRIPTION TO BREAK WIND!  And my wife is there to hear it!  Oh happy day!

No need to blame it on the dog, creaking floors or croaking frogs.

Now, keep in mind, this is a big room with other patients who have also had the procedure – separated only by curtains.  Before long, with everyone following doctor’s orders, the place sounds like a flock of Canadian geese.

Soon, I’m allowed to get dressed, but before I go … I get color pictures of the inside of my colon.

Now, as nasty as this may sound, having these pictures is really pretty cool.  For one thing, you can scan the pictures and send them to people you want to gross out – or use ‘em as computer wallpaper.  And for all those folks who tell you that you’ve got your head up your ass, you can prove otherwise.

Being  smart enough to visit this site, you’re also smart enough to know that your health cannot – should not – be ignored.  For those over 50, it is essential that part of your health maintenance is getting a colonoscopy every five years.  According to the World Health Organization, colorectal cancer it is the third most common form of cancer and the second leading cause of cancer-related death in the Western world.